6 Things you NEVER say to Adoptive Families.

adoption-quote

Have you ever wondered if someone is pregnant, but you know that if you are not 100% sure, DON’T ASK THEM!  Same rules apply with adoption.  I know lots of people that are curious about adoption and how it works.  It’s ok to ask genuine questions, but keep them general.  Most adoptive families are more than happy to share their story with others for so many different reasons.  But there are some things that you should NEVER ask or say.

You look like she could actually be your child.  I personally never had an issue with someone saying that.  I know that I have said it.  It does happen often, but it really depends on the person.  Either way, unless you really know the adoptive family, it’s not the best thing to say.  We have always felt like our adopted child was one of us.  She’s not treated any different, even if she was a completely different race.  Family is about the love you share, the experiences that you make.

You guys are so amazing for adopting a child.  I always wanted to adopt.  I dreamt of it as a young girl in high school.  I birthed a child, almost lost him and found out I had a medical condition and couldn’t have more birthed children.  I was lucky to adopt.  Have I sat on a bench wondering what situation my adopted child would be in if we hadn’t adopted her? Of course!  But know that I grieved for a child that I hadn’t lost or did not die.  Grieving of the hope that one day things could be official.  Grieving for a birth mom who wasn’t able to care for her child.  We were lucky to adopt a beautiful child that has changed our lives. 

Your lucky you didn’t have to birth a child and just adopted. This one always gets me.  I was so jealous that I never got to really feel my baby kick because he was born so early.  I never went into labour, nor did I get to do the pregnancy waddle.  (some of you are surely thinking that I was lucky)  I grieved the loss of what a birth feels like.  I never got to just have a baby and go home the happy parent with a normal situation.  When my friends called to tell me their good news that they were pregnant, I’d be happy, but I would go home and cry because I couldn’t.  Adoption isn’t what you think it is.  You take a baby and fall in love and it takes years to actually adopt them!  Do you know how many people I know that have tried to adopt but something always happens and they go with a family member or another situation and the adoptive family maybe had them in their care for months to even a year?  Wanting to adopt is a slippery slope and it’s not for the weak.

Aren’t you worried that she could have traits of the birth family? This is another topic that can upset someone.  I’ve been asked this, and haven’t minded.  The truth is they will have traits of their birth family.  You accept them and help the child blossom with those traits.  This is their story to live and I wouldn’t want to change a thing about them.  When my daughter smiles, I see her birth father, but that’s her and I love everything about her. 

Will you tell her that she’s adopted? YES! This isn’t the 80’s!  Things have changed and I feel for the better.  We started off talking about how my son came from my belly and gave me a scar, and that my daughter came from our hearts.  We read children books about adoption and are very open about it.  From my personal research, I have found that people that are adopted and have known from the beginning are less likely to have “wondering questions”.  These kids are going to want to know what their birth family looks like and they will want to know why they are adopted and their overall story.

She’s so lucky to have you! I love this one.  We are so lucky to have her.  I have learned to appreciate our life experiences.  We really cherish our time with our children.  My children know they are loved.  My son will say, “mom, you tell me everyday!”  

I love my children, no matter how we became a family.

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